Stop patronusing me!
by rubyanjel
Summary: A parody of the song "Telephone" by Lady Gaga. Rolanda gets tired of always being owled by a certain person who has a doe for a patronus. I suck at summaries. Don't forget to leave a review... please? With cherries on top?


A/N: I apologize for this fic that I just made. I was kind of sick with the music video of "Telephone" by Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce and so, a plot bunny showed up. It was a cute bunny, but an evil one. You see, the bunny discovered my love for Rolanda Hooch and the bunny really wants me to be mad-- crazy type of mad. He wanted me to make a parody of the exact music video with McHooch! I said, "No, I will not follow your fluffiness! Must-resist- femmeslash-ideas...ARG!" Now that I made this as an SSRH, I'm not even sure of how I should've rated it... The mental images of Alan Rickman calming and soothing down a furious Zoe Wanamaker's making me say, "Awww! How sweet!" That's why they're a bit OOC here. :)

Please share me what you think about this by reviewing! :) I'll appreciate it very much! :)

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**Stop Patronus-ing me!**

Rolanda was busy coaching a group of Ravenclaws practicing for the finals on the Interhouse Quidditch Cup. A very distressed-looking owl emerged out of nowhere and hooted at her. She was very focused now that one of her students almost fell off the broom during practice. She just ignored the owl as it continued hooting. And then it bit her!

"Ouch!" She accidentally jinxed the owl out of its wits and was now on the ground. Out of anger, she just left the owl on the floor.

Moments later, a silver doe appeared to be approaching her… Now she knows who sent the bloody owl.

"_Hello, hello Sevvie_

_You owled, I can't read a thing_

_I have lots of players for the cup, you see, see_

_Wha-Wha-What did you say?_

_Oh, the Dark Lord's after me?_

_Sorry I can't read it_

_I'm kinda busy_

_k-kinda busy_

_k-kinda busy_

_Sorry I cannot read it I'm kinda busy…"_

Three days later… Day of the finals. And it seems that the owl and the doe were determined to approach her even if she was clearly busy refereeing the game.

"_Just a second_

_The kids, they're gonna play_

_And I cannot floo you here_

_In the pitch, eh_

_You shoulda made some plans with me_

_You knew that I was free_

_And now you won't stop owling me;_

_I'm kinda busy_"

Now, the Quidditch mistress lost it.

"_Stop owling, stop howling_

_I don't wanna read anymore!_

_I left my quill and parchment in the staffroom!_

_Stop owling, stop howling_

_I don't wanna hear anymore!_

_I'll hit you with my broom in your dungeon!_

_Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh_

_Stop patronus-ing me!_

_Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh_

_I'm busy_

_Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh_

_Stop patronus-ing me!_

_Can owl all you want_

_But there's no one home_

_And you're not gonna send your patronus_

_Out on the pitch_

_And I'm flying on my broom_

_And you're not gonna send your patronus_

_Owl all you want_

_But there's no one home_

_And you're not gonna send your patronus_

_Out in the pitch_

_And I'm slapping some bitch_

_And you're not gonna send your patronus!_"

* * *

Rolanda was quietly walking with Minerva to the dungeons.

"You're a very bad witch. A very, very bad witch Rolanda."

"Oh, shut up Minerva!" She then slowly stepped near the entrance to Severus' chamber. "You sure you want me to do this?"

"What do you mean I'm sure?"

"You know what they say. Once a death eater, always a death eater."

"You know, Ro? Severus is like a bludger—it hits you when you least expect it."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Ju-just do it. Or I'll tell Albus—"

"Alright, alright! Sheesh. I hate you, Min."

"Don't forget the green boxers." Minerva made an evil grin. Really, is she able to do that?

"You're gonna regret the day you were born."

"Oh really? You want me to tell the whole staff about the laxative you added in the pu—"

"You wouldn't."

"Try me". Arg! Point, Minerva.

"Gah! I curse the day you and Albus got married."

"Hey old bat! Let's get this over with!"

Severus jerked from his couch as he heard Rolanda's voice.

"What the bloody hell are you doing in here?" He said with a very confused face.

"Minerva told me to ask you what you wanted from me." She said through gritted teeth.

"She what?"

"She asked me" She studied his chamber and saw that I hadn't changed since she last entered it, " to ask your highness what was making his butt itch that much to interrupt me with the game earlier!"

"Oh, that. Well, I needed to talk to you about the last match between my Slytherins versus those cheating Gryffindor."

"Was that it?" She can't believe that was all he wanted to tell her.

"Yes."

"You git! You sent your girly patronus just so that you could talk your way into considering your house to be the one in the finals instead of Gryffindor." And with that, she lost it again. She was as livid as ever.

"Correct." Wait, is Snape doing puppy-dog eyes? Her vision must be deceiving her. "Please, calm down." He stood and placed an arm on her back as he leaned closer. He rubbed her back as he tried to sooth her and evaded her fury. He sure knows how to calm a flight instructor when they're raging!

After a very long hugging and rubbing and soothing and other fluffiness, Rolanda felt sorry for snapping at her Dungeon King.

"_The__way you blowin'__up my thread won't make me leave no faster,_

_put my cloak on faster, leave the kids no faster_

_I shoulda hexed your owl __and doe_

'_cause they caused __all my anger_

_They were worse than Dementors_

_Sorry, I didn't answer"_

If you would look closely at Severus's lips, you could notice how it curls up much than how he smug. Yes, that is how he smiles, privately. He lowered his face at her with that look on his face and amber eyes met onyx.

"_Not that I don't like you; I was the referee_

_And I was sick and tired of the owl and doey_

_Sometimes I feel like I'm worse than Neville's potions_

_Tonight I'm takin no owls cause I'll be howlin'"_

She placed her arms on his shoulders as she slipped her fingers through his not-really-greasy hair. She made her cheekiest grin, her eyes fluttering. And by that, he got what she meant by 'howling'. _Thank goodness, she's now in the mood._

"_Cause I'll be howlin_

_Cause I'll be howlin_

_Tonight I'm takin no owls cause I'll be howlin__"_

_

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So, how did it go? Did you like it? Was it confusing? Was it terrible? I tried making it as funny and as funny as I could though. I hope it pleased you a little. :) Don't forget to leave a review!

Love, Anjelica


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